The Identity Crisis of being Asian American
Hello everyone. The continuation DJ’s early life and life as a parent to a medical baby is still coming. I promise. However, I read a very powerful book by Charles Yu called Interior Chinatown a couple of months ago and my recent travels abroad in the Philippines have me reflecting about my own experience on nationality vs. ethnicity. I hope you enjoy!
Where are you from? Boston. But where are you really from… This is something that I’ve heard more times that I can count.
It’s the mid 90s. I’m in elementary school. Kids are running around the playground. I hear someone shout ching chung fung. I don’t know what discrimination is, but I knew they were referring to me or my one other ethnic Chinese classmate. I didn’t feel upset or sad, but I didn’t feel good.
Elementary school me, loves sports, particularly basketball and baseball. My parents tell me Chinese people are not meant to do athletics, that we have to study hard and get good grades. From grade one to six, I didn’t excel academically. Parental disappointment towards my grades. I felt shame.
It’s 2001, Ichiro Suzuki took over Major League Baseball, becoming an All-Star, Rookie of the Year and American League MVP in his debut season. For the first time in my life, there was a glimmer of pride to being Asian.
Still 2001, Michelle Branch takes the music industry by storm with her major label debut album, The Spirit Room. Her music videos play over and over again on MTV and VH1. I scream to my mom, “She looks Asian! She looks Asian!” Starting to see people that look like me in popular media.
Still 2001. I’m in middle school. I’m called “damn Chan” frequently by one of my classmates in a playful way. I didn’t know how to react, so I just stayed quiet. I started to despise my ethnicity.
It’s 2002, Yao Ming is drafted into the National Basketball Association. For the first time, there is pride in being Chinese. But I was quickly reminded that being Asian in America was still a punchline as various athletes and analysts mispronounce his name and mock him with martial arts cries.
Still 2002. My family and I take a month long trip to China. I’m referred to as the American and called “jook-sing,” a term that is given to Western born Chinese children. Chinese elders want Western born Chinese children to have pride in their ethnicity, but still brandish them with a slang term that reminds them that they are not the same. I feel outcast by my own ethnic group. I’m not Chinese enough to be Chinese. But I’m also “different” in the eyes of most of my American peers. I don’t belong.
It’s the mid 2000s. I’m in high school. It’s the first time I’ve had more students of Asian descent around me. I don’t feel as out of place. But the damage was done, I didn’t want to be Chinese, didn’t want to be judged by my appearance. The active outgoing boy became shy.
Still high school. I start taking martial arts thinking I need to learn to protect myself. One of my kung-fu brothers goes to my high school. He’s two school years above me, but we have gym class together. We are sparring. The gym teachers don’t seem to mind. We continue sparring. At the end of gym class, a classmate who I didn’t even interact with runs up to me and playfully picks me up screaming like Bruce Lee. I just give an ingenuine smile.
It’s April 2004. Tragedy strikes. My friend dies. Comfort is found with friends. Inconsolable by family. Time spent at home locked in my room, deep thoughts, deep depression. What is the meaning of life?
Revelation. My departed friend always lived unapologetically as herself and cared very little what others thought of her. I take on this way of life. I want to make her proud. I am reborn.
It’s the late 2000s. I’m in college. I major in Communications, taking many classes that address of subject of bias in entertainment and social media. I rediscover my heritage and minor in Chinese. Two of my best friends are caucasians that I met in Chinese class. We study Chinese, watch Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski lead the New England Patriots and order from the local Chinese take out restaurant, Wing Wong. I discover who I am.
However, just because you know who you are and are comfortable and proud of it, doesn’t mean society will accept that.
It’s early 2010s, the United States has a black president in President Barack Obama. I feels like the times are changing. But politically correct culture and color blind rhetoric takes over entertainment, social media and the workplace. A Vice President at my company, a caucasian man, tells me that he feels like a minority because caucasian males are the only group of people that “don’t receive special treatment.” I’m left pondering this statement to this day.
It’s 2020, COVID-19 has shut down most of the world. The President of the United States blames China. Asians all around the world are victims of assault. Looking over my shoulder everywhere I go, nervous even at the voting booth.
It’s summer 2021, my interracial son, DJ, is born. Two of my close friends also have interracial sons. I hope their futures are easier than what I experienced.
It’s spring 2022, Ishtar brings DJ to a playground at the Yentile Farm Recreational Facility in Wilmington, MA. As soon as my Asian wife and baby enter the playground, the caucasian parents grab their kids and scatter. This makes Ishtar feel uncomfortable but she puts on a brave face for DJ to have fun at the playground. At not even 1 year old, my son has experienced racism from adults. Will things ever change?
It’s spring 2023, a few days ago on Bohol Island in the Philippines. We arrive at Quinale Beach Bar. A local peddler at the beach speaks in Tagalog trying to sell me something. Damon: “I don’t speak Tagalog.” Local man: Now in English, “Where are you from?” Damon: “I’m American.” Local man, making circles around his face: “You look Chinese.”
Your experiences make you who you are, not how you look or the color of your skin. You will be reminded of your appearance. But you have to acknowledge that people are sometimes going to judge you that way, intentionally or unintentionally. In order to become the truest you, one must embrace their entire being, understand how and why people may judge you, and welcome the challenge to take those judgments head on and show that you are more than just your appearance.
P.S. There is actually a really cool lecture by Dr. Sam Richards of Penn State University called Asian Cool that is available on Youtube that talks about how perception of Asians in America is subconscious. I highly recommend checking it out if this subject interests you.
Thank you for reading!
